Sunday, April 5, 2009

Bee Happy

Once again, it's been a while since I've posted. Let me just lovingly and respectfully say: Get used to it. Life is a little hairy these days. I'm not complaining. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But every moment, from 4:30am to 10/11 every night is full. Jam-packed. Scrunched. Nuff adjectives for ya?

To catch up on my blogging slackfulness, here's what you've missed and have probably been losing sleep over:

HALLIE WON HER VERY FIRST EVER SPELLING BEE! She beat out some pretty stiff competition, too. I was a very proud mommy on that day. And who are we kidding? You KNOW the girl's genes came seriously into play here.

Good job, Hallie! Sorry it took me so long to post this. You done a good jaaaerb. (private joke)

Moving on...

Writing assignments.

I like to write. Almost as much as I like to edit OTHER people's writing (usually unsolicited). So a while back, my friend and I (also a writer who loves being edited by me as much as you all do) decided to challenge ourselves weekly by picking random topics and setting a deadline and critiquing one another's finished products. This week's topic: door to door salesmen.

I thought it would be fun, for me at least, to post my finished products on the blog. See what the world thinks of me. "Enough about me...what do YOU think of me??" I'm starting today with my most recent (just finished it about a half hour ago). Whether or not I post more depends on the response I get here. I'm interested in all feedback, nice and not-so-nice, so lay it on me! FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY NOT KNOW AND LOVE ME SO WELL YET...IT'S SATIRE! MOSTLY FICTION! And go ahead and read it and tell me you've never fantasized about it!

Anyway, here's the first installment:

Where’s the Beef?

In my little corner of the planet, there’s more to spring than chirping birds, sun-shiny days, and blossoming blossoms. Spring has its drawbacks, too. It is often ushered in by an unwelcome hint of partially-thawed meat and super-strength cleaning products that waft in the cool April breezes. Yes, in my neighborhood at least, the phrase “spring has sprung” can sound more like a grim warning than a joyful declaration.

During one warm, seemingly blissful afternoon in particular, my kids feverishly work on their math homework. I stand staring blankly into my open refrigerator, indecisive about the evening meal. Outside, children romp innocently in the grass of a nearby park. All of us are blissfully unaware of the evil that lurks just around the corner.

The doorbell rings and instantly my kids abandon their studies to run to the door. I, too, feel a twinge of excitement. Is it another friendly neighbor bearing a gift of baked goodies…or perhaps a potential playmate wanting to whisk one or more of my children away for an hour or so? I open the door and my excitement immediately gives way to horror. It’s a salesman—one of those door-to-door kind. The warm weather brings them out like it’s brought a trail of ants to my laundry room. I sprayed the ants with a toxic substance. They went away. Use of that tactic on a human (I use that term loosely here) could have some legal ramifications. I’ve been meaning to check into it.

His opening line to me is an inquiry as to whether or not my family eats meat. Faster than I can sarcastically reply with, “Duh, of course we…,” the man is standing—and perspiring—in my kitchen, with all of his wares laid out in their marbled glory on my counter like a buffet spread at an Atkins convention.

As he works his protein-peddling magic, I come dangerously close to buying more meat than my family could ever consume in a year. In what can only be described as a temporary onset of insanity, I agree to make a purchase; one so hefty that it actually requires me to pay in installments. He excitedly trots out the front door and across the street to gather up the necessary documents from his MeatMobile-slash-office. My heart begins to pound out of my chest. My palms sweat and my knees knock together.

What am I thinking? Who finances meat purchases from a 350-pound guy in a Datsun? How do I get out of this? Am I really about to sign my life away for a few bacon-wrapped filets and a hundred or so pre-made burger patties? My panic swells as he turns from his truck to make his way across the street once again. This is it. I’m trapped. No turning back now.

Then it happens.

As the unwitting peddler takes a few steps into the street, his giddiness over the possibility of a profit seems to distract his mind from the “look both ways” rule. Without warning, like a lead-footed answer to a prayer, a bakery truck driver speedily rounds the corner and makes minced meat out of my salesman. I stare in disbelief for a moment or two, morbidly amused at the irony of being saved from burger bankruptcy by a bun-wielding bread truck. Disaster averted. I return the checkbook to my purse and shut the door.

Now, kids, what shall we have for dinner? I suddenly have a taste for pot roast.

======================================

The End. If you read this far, thanks! Now, be gentle with me.

10 comments:

wog said...

I'm laughing! That's always good! I love your writing and I'm glad you're doing it "for realsies". Gotta love the door to door guys. Love the line about financing meat purchases from a guy in a datsun. LOVE IT!!

Deb said...

You really are a talented writer. It was great fun to read. Now all you need to do is have a dream about some girl that falls in love with a vampire and you'll be set for life! Seriously, though, you have inspired me to put up the "No solicitors" sign, as we have already been hit up by the "I am just here, trying to stay off the streets" line... UGH!

Anonymous said...

OMG, Jacey! You crack me up! You have missed your calling. Call USA Today, Wall Street Journal...they could really use your point of view on retail sales. LYMI

BossyMommy said...

Deb--thanks! And yes, don't you just love how these "companies" send out the former gang members to peddle their wares IN PEOPLE'S HOMES?!!

Terry--the only reason I knew that was you was the LYMI at the end. Calling WSJ as we speak.

Donna said...

Jacey,
That was great! I loved it...you are a very talented writer! I didn't want the story to end, but then I did love the ending!
Thanks, that was funny!
Love,
Aunt Donna

Adam and Samantha said...

Cute story! Tell Hallie that we said congratulations! She must get the "smart genes" from me....

Lors said...

Jacey, you are so talented! I am embarrassed to say that I have bought from the meat guy before. Never again will I do that! Who knows how long that meat had been sitting in his “FREEZER” car. And what a rip off. Oh well. Loved the story, keep it up. Oh and thanks for putting up with my crapy grammar and such.

The Magpie Bunch said...

Well- hmmm? I can't even imagine you getting suckered into buying from one of these guys!! I'm still wondering what you finally fixed for dinner!! Cute pics of your sweet little family- congrats to Hallie.

The Magpie Bunch said...

Well- hmmm? I can't even imagine you getting suckered into buying from one of these guys!! I'm still wondering what you finally fixed for dinner!! Cute pics of your sweet little family- congrats to Hallie.

The Epps Fam said...

The meat guy always comes to our house, but I can hardly understand him because he doesn't speak very good English. Loved your story! Seriously, I'm impressed! And Hallie, those smart genes come from your Aunt Beffie!